Hello. Goodbye.

Hey Mommas-
Just piping in for a bit to say a hello and a goodbye at the same time. I know it has been a while since I have posted, so for starters..Hello!

And also goodbye. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to be the voice behind this little blog and community of foster/adopt moms. When we moved to Little Rock two and half years ago with our newly patched together "forever family" I was ravenous for community and friendship. I needed like minded women to stand by and say "I understand your life and will laugh and cry with you- and do both at the same time, obviously."

And I found my people. Hallelujah!

The good news is our support community is growing even bigger. And it can't be contained by one non-profit, one church,  one Facebook group, or one little blog.

There is group called the CAOC (Central Arkansas Orphan Coalition) that started about two years ago and it is gaining steam and bringing together local volunteers from all church denominations.

I hope you have heard of the HOPE conference coming March 6&7. The CAOC is the mastermind behind this annual conference. It is going to be a weekend full of learning from the experts, networking with other families,  finding local community resources, and AHA moments. You can register here www.hopeconferencearkansas.org

The CAOC is also working to put together a community calendar for all foster/adopt support events around town, which was this intended purpose of this blog. And as such, I am ecstatic to fire myself and this little blog because the Spirit of God is moving and greater things are yet to come for the children and families in our city. 

If you are a blog reader, I can still be found at www.christina-jones.blogspot.com where I talk about life, adoption, and raising boys because frankly I'm an over-sharing extrovert. 

Hope to see you all at the conference!!!!

Come meet the village people

SOOOO Classy!!! Am I right!?! :)

Lucky for you...or unlucky for you, depending on your obsession with the YMCA,  the village people you really get the chance to meet are other mommas on this foster/adopt road. 

And here are some upcoming opportunities:

THIS IS TOMORROW! 

And it is the last one before the break for the holidays. Yes, it was scheduled for last week but had to be rescheduled due to child care issues. So sorry about the confusion. As I understand it, child care for this specific week is already full. It will be upstairs in the FSK worship room, the same room as last month.

Make plans now. This conference. Is going. To be. So good. 

TBRI PARENTING CLASS
***Sorry, this is hot of the presses so no cute promo yet**

AND starting Jan 6th. Fellowship Bible Church, in the form of Daryll and Tracy Adcock, will be leading a Tuesday night class on techniques used in Trust-Based Relational Intervention, aka TBRI  parenting from Dr. Karyn Purvis' work.  Spots in the discussion-based class will be limited in order to promote intimacy.  On a personal note, my husband and I just finished the fall semester version of this class and for sure learned some new techniques to try, but it was the relationships and accountability (and ok yes the free child care) that kept us coming back week after week. I'll update with how to sign up when someone tells me first:)

Maybe it's Me

If you are like me, you have read a-lot of books, watched a-lot of videos, and talked to a-lot of other Momma's about handling the hard behaviors that can come with kids from hard places.

Lately I've been joking with my husband that the "hard place" our kids come from is not their birth family, but our family. I don't really mean that of course:)  But as you can imagine, with our six boys, we are not short on chaos. The drama has actually calmed quite a bit in the last few months.  I can honestly say that most of the things we deal with on a day to day basis are not what I would consider "adoption issues." It's really just typical developmental stuff from the two littles,  combined with sibling dynamics, combined with everyone still working on the selfless nature it takes to live in a large family.

What I'm really discovering is that when we do have hard days, sometimes it has nothing to do with my boys and everything to do with me.

Sometimes we struggle in our family NOT because the youngest three are working through a sense of loss, NOT because they don't feel attached to us, NOT because every negative behavior is a need, NOT because they are black and we are white, and NOT for a million other reputable reasons I've read about. Sometimes we struggle because this Momma is tired, and pre-occupied, and trying to text a friend and snaps because her name has been called 354 times in the last hour.

Sometimes it's me.

I've recently stumbled upon two Momma bloggers who are also sounding off to say: Sometimes it's me. Check them out, I think it will grow you.

Blog #1:
This momma has four boys (bio only I think) and discovered that the reason she yelled so much was not really her kid's fault. There are multiple hyperlinks within this one post where she shares some great how-to steps, some insightful ways to track your own triggers, and some alternatives to yelling. Find her here:
http://theorangerhino.com/12-steps-to-stop-yelling-at-your-kid/ 

Blog #2:
This momma who writes under an alias also has four boys...Hmm I'm picking up on a theme here :)... (2 bio and 2 adopted from a group home out of age order). And she seems like a lady I would love to have coffee with. I totally binged on her blog over the course of a few days and have read every single post. Spoiler alert: She has been through the ringer. For example, one of her boys with RAD went through a phase where he would pull up the hardwood planks in his upstairs bedroom and pee into the newly created hole causing the urine to leak through the drywall and drip through the ceiling downstairs. And repeated every night. Wowzers. Kinda makes my freak out response-to my son calling my name a bajillion times-while I'm typing out a text-seem like a bit of an over reaction on my part!!

AND even though she has a child with a RAD diagnosis, she has some great insight and believes that despite some crazy behaviors from her kids -like indoor raining urine- sometimes the hard days are still her fault.
Check out one of her archived posts here:
http://www.thisradmom.com/2013/11/behaviorally-speaking.html

And then go back and read more of her stuff!

Theology of Adoption

I have a real treat for you all- a guest post by one of my besties, Crystal Young. She's a momma to two precious boys (like her boys are literally precious and easily WAY calmer, kinder, and with much better manners than my crew fo' sure!)

About a year ago she felt God pull her toward adoption of a specific little girl...
that she has no idea where to find. She writes about the journey at www.findingevie.blogspot.com You should definitely go back and read this post.

I know there are many "theologies" when it comes to adoption. There are those of us who believe God intended our adopted children to be in our families since the beginning of time. And there are those of us who believe adoption is a holy redemptive plan B after a sin filled people screwed up plan A.

There are some, like my friend Crystal who feel God's calling on their lives is to a specific task, a specific child.  I liken this to a Moses or Joseph story. God has an adventure in mind and summons  HIS protagonists to the plot. And then there are others, like me -or like Dorcas from the New Testament- who maybe never felt a specific calling, but are just trying to help wherever the need is.  I'm not here to judge which theology is better. Just stating the fact that Moses didn't make it to the promise land, while Dorcas was so beloved she was risen from the dead ;) Ok JK.

Seriously, I do believe that our faith is shaped by our experiences and that's why I love hearing other people's stories of how God works in their life, because it's different from how He works in mine. Jesus is greater than my individual theology.

So meet my friend Crystal. You're gonna love her.

FINDING EVIE By: Crystal Young

I stared at the question on the big screen in church this morning: What do you need Jesus to be greater than in your life? I didn't even have to blink.

My plans.

My impatience.

I haven't written all summer. I'm realizing it's just so difficult to write a story when you're mid-plot.

It's been nearly a year since we started talking about adoption, a year since God smacked his plans onto my heart. And in our human estimation, we're no closer to adding to our family than when we began the conversation. Not on a waiting list. Not feeling drawn toward any particular kids. Not even doing paperwork.

In anthropology and folklore there's this idea that in the middle of a ritual there exists a phase called liminality, a period in which the participants are "betwixt and between" two places, separated from who they were, but not yet something new.

This is where we are.

I haven't met anyone else who's in this same place. You guys, I don't even have the words to explain this place. I haven't met anyone else whose journey looks like this. It's frustrating. Lonely.

It's also bursting with hope.

It's a little silly, how full of hope I am. This is it, the thing that sets us apart as followers of Christ. This is the gift. We are silly full of hope. Because we know--when God makes a promise, he keeps it.

Since the school year started, I've been reading through a new Bible storybook with our kindergartner. I keep noticing the same phrase over and over: But God remembered. But God remembered Noah. But God remembered Abraham. But God remembered Joseph. Sarah threw up her hands and laughed at God's timing, and I wonder how far Joseph felt from his dreams when he was languishing in prison. But look, I whisper to my five-year-old, Here's the best part. God didn't forget. Even when we feel very, very far away, God is always bringing us back to his promises. This good God who gives hope, he is showing me how he works--and giving me the language to share this with my kids. He remembers even when I forget. 

When we started talking about adoption, I started asking God to show us the way, to prepare our hearts. I don't recommend this. Don't even think about asking God to prepare you for something unless you're ready for some serious renovations. I am here to tell you, he will rub his hands together and go straight to work. And he's not going to come in and paint the cabinets that cute color you have in mind, either. He's going to rip them out and replace them with the cabinets you thought you couldn't afford. We can't DO that!, you will tell him, and he will grab your hand and keep right on working. This is what you asked for.

So even though I'm feeling so far from that first promise, even though adoption has been a series of doors in my face (sorry), I can feel God preparing us. He is always making a better way than what we plan. It's a little confusing to have God set your heart on adoption, then feel him gently guide you away from it. It's a little frustrating to focus your efforts on a kid somewhere out there who belongs with you, only to have God say, Not yet. We're going over here first. We are groping madly along, wondering where in the world God is leading. It feels like a detour to me. It isn't. I expect our story to look like the other adoption stories I've seen. It doesn't.

I stopped praying for clarity when I realized God is teaching me to be blind. He is inviting me to be wholly dependent on him, to give up my plans and let him plug me into this big thing he's doing in the world. He's asking me to believe that there's a better way, that there are some people I need to know and love before I'm ready to meet Evie. He's asking me to step out on the water and lose sight of everything but him.

I was embarrassed to write that we are no closer to adoption, until I saw these words from Jen Hatmaker a few days ago:

Do not be ashamed to hope. There is no shame in banking on God's love to prevail, His Spirit to win the day. That doesn't make you naive or foolish; this has been poured into your heart. Hope is the believer's response and gift......Hope is our anthem and we can sing it in the dark before even a glimmer of light arises.

How silly I was to think that our adoption journey was only about adopting a kid. It is, it always is, about God rescuing his people. His revelation to me was nothing less than an invitation to join him in his plan.

He is taking our expectations and exceeding them in ways only he can imagine.

What you can do:

You can pray with us. I don't mean this flippantly. You can pray that we won't lose sight of hope. That we'll accept with gratitude the responsibilities he's handed to us today and not dismiss them as less important than our own man-made goals, and that the only one we'll blindly follow is the one who has the power to remove the scales. You can pray that our obedience will yield peace in our hearts. You can pray for our girl. I don't know if she's "out there" somewhere or if she's even been born, I don't know when she'll come to us, I'm not even completely certain God wasn't being metaphorical and ironic, but because there's a chance she is an actual child who exists on this planet on this day, I cry out to God on her behalf. I would be humbled if you'd join me.

Where we are is not where I thought we'd be, but I'm okay. Do I believe that God intends to literally add to our family? Absolutely. Is he going to yield to my timeline? It's not looking likely. But I'll keep you posted.

Upcoming Events

Hey Mommas-It's been a while. I'm sorry for the unintended hiatus. But- I'm back online with a bang because I have a ton of upcoming events to tell you about. Just a heads up, I know there are other churches who are launching orphan ministries and may have events coming up that are open to the public. The ones I listed here are the ones I know about, but I am happy to add yours- just gotta let me know.


SEPTEMBER
FAMILY PICNIC- September 21 @Maumelle State Park

DAD's NIGHT OUT- September 23 6:30-8:00pm @ Fellowship

All Adoptive and Foster Dad's AND Dad's to be- come for a night of fellowship and food. $5.00 covers dinner and childcare, but you must register. See Fellowship's website. 

OCTOBER
MOM's BREAKFAST- October 2nd 9-11am @Fellowship
This is a monthly event hosted by Fellowship Bible Church. The kick off was last week and was such a blessing to me personally. Its a casual hang-out-with-other-mommas while swapping stories of success and failures. Hope to see you there.

March 2015
Hope Conference March 6 & 7, 2015 @Immanuel
This past year Geyer Springs Baptist Church hosted the first Hope conference and it was such a hit that it has become an annual event. This is a "save the date" for 2015 hosted by Immanuel Baptist Church. You don't want to miss it. We are bringing in really talented guest speakers from out of state, but will also have local professionals sharing their expertise and highlighting resources/services from our own area. It is going to be an ULTIMATE VILLAGE experience with breakout sessions to tailor your experience to your family's needs and any struggles that may be specific to your kiddos. Sounds awesome doesn't it? Hurry up 2015.

5 things that are still awkward about adoption

The adoption of our youngest boys has been finalized for over a year now and we have known them for almost three years. That seems like a long time to me. And still there are some things about adoption that are unnatural for us. Attachment and bonding are coming along in the expected (but still hard) two steps forward-one step back dance, and we have navigated through some tough issues already, but there is still some lingering awkwardness. Most of it has to do with words and phrasing we use within our family and about our family.  We all know how the internet loves lists, so I've narrowed it down to a top five for you....

TOP FIVE THINGS ABOUT OUR ADOPTION THAT ARE STILL AWKWARD:

# 1. Holding back from glamourizing family traits-  We have three biological boys who favor my husband and frankly favor each other as well. It was fun when they were infants to see what my genes plus Cory's genes can produce. Some traits were fun like making two red-heads. What in the world? And some traits were even more fun like extra fingers and webbed toes. That one was heavy on Jones genes:)  It's also been sweet to watch the boys grow and see how they walk just like Daddy or rub their tired eyes the same way he does. And it's fun to hear our friends and family comment on their likeness as well.  But I just wonder how it makes our younger boys feel. We were intentional about adopting siblings for our family so that they would have someone they identified with physically. We are intentional to point out ways they look like each other and like their birthparents. But, we also are intentional about finding ways they are like us. "You have brown eyes just like Mommy. You are funny just like Daddy. Your laugh sounds just like your brother. "

I read a blogpost from an adult adoptee who referenced the time she was speaking at an event for adopting families and told the listeners to get up from their chairs and mingle with others in the audience until they found someone that looked like them. She made the point that this is how adoptees can feel their whole life- always on the hunt for people that look like them. I recall another time a friend who is adopted told me that the first time she held her infant son in her arms was the first time in her life she had ever been in the presence of someone who looked liked her. Later as an adult, she met her birth family and found it funny that she and all her grown siblings sat the same way with their legs pulled up under them. She was in awe at their genetically-tied quirks. Look below and you'll see I'm a carbon copy of my mother and so I can't relate to that longing. But I bet it's a powerful part of your identity.

# 2. Referencing events before the adoption- This one is just awkward for me. I still haven't figured out a phrase I like for when they ask about things before they were with us. I don't like saying "before you were in our family" because I don't like emphasizing that separation between my adopted boys  and bio boys. "Before you where born" is not always true. Sometimes I say "before you were adopted," but there was almost two years when we fostered them before they were adopted and I can't bring myself to say "when you were in foster care" because that just sounds so icky to me. Sadly "foster kid" has a bad stigma and I don't like thinking of my sons as foster kids. Usuallly, I just end up saying "that's when you lived with mom" or "that's before we got you," which I don't love either. Ugh. See? Still working on this one.

# 3. What we call the birth dads- Occasionally we use first names and we've also said birth dad before, but have found that hard to explain when they start asking questions. It's easy to explain what birth mom means because even young kids understand that babies grow in a Mommy's tummy and so they must have grown in a tummy too. They don't however, understand the whole sperm, egg, zygote thing though, ya know? :) One time I used the phrase "first dad" with one of the boys and then he wanted to know about his second and third dads and so on. Makes it a little tricky to attach when they are just waiting for more moms and dads to come along.

Somewhat related, we have always used "Mom" when talking about their birthmom and the boys call me "Momma." Like I said, we were their foster parents and for the first year we never knew they would be forever ours. When the goal was reunification we always called Isabel- "Mom" and me-"Momma" so we just kept it that way after their adoption. She will always be there mom after all, and with our open adoption we always wanted to show love and respect for her.

# 4. What we call our adopted boys- Even just writing that heading sounds awful. Obviously they are our sons, so I don't mean it like that. I just mean sometimes we are trying to differentiate for whatever reason (to a doctor, to a babysitter, to a teacher) between our biological boys and our adopted boys. But again I don't like the separation that implies. Sometimes we candidly say "our white boys and our brown boys" because  in our family that's not offensive.  We talk about skin color and race all the time. It's no different than me differentiating between "my green eyed boys and my brown eyed boys" to us- but I can see how other people might be offended. Typically, we say "younger boys or older boys" and that gets us by. When it's just Cory and I talking to each other, we simply say "the boys" about both groupings and just know what the other is talking about based on context. It's confusing for others, but it works for us. It's like how my Uncle and cousin both go by the name Gary and as a child I could never keep up in conversations, but my aunt always knew who she was talking about!

Lastly-
# 5. Filling out medical history forms- No explanation needed. Am I right?? :)

Make it right

I have had some disconnected thoughts swirling in my head for the past few weeks that I think are finally coming together. Lets see if I can get them out without blubbering too much.

Basically there are three main happenings involved:

Number 1: If you read my latest post you know we are in the thick of some scratch-your-eyeballs out behavior with one of our boys amongst our usual drama with the others that has us really trying to be intentional again with our attachment.

Number 2: My husband got his first official gig doing some pre-marital counseling. He took a class or two on counseling as part of his ministry degree years ago, but he would be the first to tell you he's no expert. However, one of our dear friends from Houston is a licensed counselor and has always said she recommends the book The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real to all of her clients. Eager to get some practical tips in his tool belt, I read the book aloud to my husband during our holiday road trip while the boys stayed hypnotized by hour after hour of Arthur, Ben Ten, Deigo and a Science special on Insects- thanks to our van's DVD player.  When we bought the van several years ago we swore we were not going to be THAT FAMILY that let their kids watch TV in the car non-stop. Then we got three more boys so yeah, whatever about that.  

At one point in the book the author veers a bit from marriage relationship advice and makes the statement, "Whenever you call a child to account for some failure or misdeed, you must always be sure to allow him a way to redeem his wrong, some avenue by which he can regain his good standing in the group. A healthy parent doesn't just nail a child and leave it at that. " (pg. 183).  

Hmmm. Interesting. 

And finally number 3: Several years ago when we first found out the boys were coming back to us forever and we were pursuing adoption,  I was ravenous for information. I would spend hours reading blogs, books, and websites. This was before I knew that adoption conferences or orphan ministries were a thing. But in that hunt, I stumbled upon some you tube videos by adoptive Mom, Christine Moers. She has several older kids she adopted out of foster care and, I think,  has some great insight. 

One of her videos (6 min) is on lying. Pretty much she says that traumatized kids are gonna lie, and when you ask them point blank "did you do this?' you are setting them up to be dishonest. Her thought is that traumatized kids are not secure enough in themselves and in relationships to be vulnerable and verbally own up to what they have done. But for the sake of relationship, and connection, and basically for attachment they still have to be given the chance to "fix" their wrong even if they can't admit they were wrong. 

Hmmm. Again. 

And so the combination of these swirling thoughts has created a new parenting theory we are trying out with our kids: the idea of letting them "Make it right." 

Prior to this new revelation I have felt like it is my right as a parent to force my boys to listen (with their eyes AND ears!!) to my 5-15-or 20 minute lectures because I am the mom and they are the child. I gave myself permission to rant on and on until I felt like I had brought them to repentance until they really got what was so terrible about their actions. To some extent I suppose this is a discipline technique and as a parent I am in charge of disciplining my boys. 

But is it working? I'm not so sure.

So what's the pay off? Why do I keep doing it? Well, pretty much because I'm selfish. Lecturing (which is really just me venting) gives me a release for my anger about the situation and makes me feel great. It's like a righteous indignation high. Terrence Real calls it the barf-bag approach to intimacy. As in, "Here. Hold this for me, will ya? I feel better now." (pg. 47)

It does nothing for my boys though. NOTHING for the one holding the barf bag. It doesn't teach or encourage or character build. All the things I really want to do for my kids. And so I am trying really hard to take this technique out of my skill set. Thanks to my children I had lots of opportunities to practice this week. :)

One of my most successful attempts happened last night. My 6 year old adopted son is just now mastering potty training and so on long car trips we put him in a pull-up just in case, you know, as in "just in case" he falls asleep in the car or "just in case" we can't pull over fast enough when he needs to go. Notice that does not include "just in case you decide to be lazy and pee in your pull-up on purpose." We arrived home last night and I realized for the entire 5 hour car ride he had never asked once to go to the bathroom. I knew he was wet.  I knew it was on purpose. I knew he would claim it was an accident. And I knew that would make me furious.

So I didn't ask him.

We unloaded the van and I simply said, "Baby, if your pull-up is wet you need to wash yourself off in the tub and put a new one on for bed time." I kissed him on the forehead and sent him on his way. I skipped the lecture,  skipped the shaming, skipped the fight, skipped the accusations that he doesn't know how to respond to anyway. You know the "I'm tired of this. You are 6 years old. You know you are not supposed to pee in your pull-up on purpose. Why do you keep doing this? When are you going to stop?"

I skipped my righteous indignation. 

Did he break a rule he knows? Yep. Would I have been accurate in saying a six year old should not be peeing in his pull-up? Of course.  Does a mom of six boys have a right to be so tired, so over, so exhausted, so done with the obstinate presence of little boy pee? You betcha I do :) 

But by letting him "make it right" instead of pointing out why he was wrong did I then swap a huge fight with my son for a peaceful evening of putting the boys to bed followed by snuggling up next to my husband to watch Last Comic Standing while shoveling M&M's in my mouth? Well, Duh.

Tales of Two Struggling Mommas

ANYONE HAVING A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW WITH A KIDDO YOU LOVE TO PIECES AND ARE TRYING REALLY HARD TO LIKE?

You're not alone. Come find some solace in the tales of two struggling mommas.

For a peek into my week go HERE: The Mathematics of Attachment.

and then for a more eloquent read go HERE: Progress is Painful.

Guest post from a soon-to-be DAUGHTER

About 8 months ago I volunteered at an event for teenaged girls in foster care that live in a local group home. That's where I met Mary (name changed), a 15 year old girl,  for the first time. There were about 8 women from our church present that Sunday afternoon and we doted on -and nail polished -and curled hair for about 6 girls. I connected with several of the girls and truthfully didn't even interact with Mary that much, but something about her stayed with me.

Over the course of a few months I saw her a few more times, enough that she recognized me each time I saw her.  Again it was at different volunteer events where new adult women would shower the girls from the home with attention for an afternoon- be it over cooking together, painting together or playing dress-up. The girls knew I had been a foster mom so I think that gave me some clout in their eyes. And while working on projects side by side they would open up to me about their lives. I felt honored that they trusted me, but also really I knew that I was one of many people including case workers and lawyers and mentors and DHS workers and teachers that they had shared their stories with.  It felt unnatural for the girls to have so many shallow relationships with adult women. I always left my "volunteering time" with a pit in my stomach.  They didn't need one more adult friend, who loved them for an afternoon. They needed a mom.

My draw to Mary became stronger. I would day dream about her being my daughter. To be clear I had no business adopting a 15 year old girl. I have 6 boys that run me ragged all day and DHS would never approve fitting one more child in our tiny house. I wasn't sure why God wouldn't let me look away from her though. I contacted the director of the group home and fumbled through my explanation of how I couldn't adopt right now, but I felt called to Mary. The gracious director assured me that wasn't weird at all and people have that experience all the time.  I inquired about becoming a mentor and found out that after some paperwork and a home interview we could be allowed to bring Mary home for weekend passes. That sounded better than a random event every other month or so.

I confided in a friend about my absurd obsession with Mary and she got to meet her for herself a few months later. Wouldn't you know my friend fell in love with her too. Honestly, it would be hard not to when Mary would outright joke- but not really joke- "Don't you want a daughter? I can clean and help around the house." It was torture to watch this 15 year old girl market herself. The good news was my friend actually had a house big enough to take in one more child and even had a current  home study. Suddenly, God wouldn't let her look away either.

She talked with her husband Friday night and by Monday they wanted to adopt Mary and had contacted her adoption worker. How perfect, I thought. Mary would have a mom and a dad and all brothers just like what she would have gotten with us. I started to think, maybe that was my part in all this anyway-  to connect her to my new friend- and to her new family. Funny how God moves sometimes.

BUT as it turns out another family from out of town had also recently inquired about Mary.  DHS stated they would compare notes on this family and my friend's family and decide which would be the best fit.

Mary was matched with the family from NW Arkansas. Funny how you think it was God moving, but maybe He wasn't after all.

My friend and I were both perplexed. What was the point of that roller coaster? Why were we both so drawn to her when nothing came of it at all? I still don't know. I hope it will make sense someday.  But regardless, I am truly delighted for Mary. I ran into her a few weeks ago and she had a picture of her new parents. She beamed when I told her she kinda looked like her new mom. And she really does.

Just this morning, Mary texted me and said she was back from a 2 week pass with her new family and would be moving home forever on Thursday. I can't imagine what that must feel like. If you are curious like me then you want to know too. And so in her nervousness and excitement Mary offered to do a little Q&A to give us insight into her thoughts as she FINALLY leaves foster care and becomes someone's daughter.

INTERVIEW WITH MARY:

Tell us a little about your foster experience?
When I came into care I was 9 years old and now I am 15 years old. Being in foster care has been a big part of my life.

What makes you most excited about being adopted?
The most exciting part is knowing that I'm gonna have a support system and a family to go to for Holidays for the rest of my life.

Do you think it will be hard to bond with your new family?
In some ways bonding is going to be difficult because I'm coming into an unfamiliar place and trying to fit in as if I have been here my whole life.

What has been the hardest thing about being in foster care?
The hardest part is feeling alone. Sometimes it's easy to feel underprivileged.

How does it feel to get matched with strangers and know they might be your family someday?
Meeting a potential family can be sorta stressful. You don't know what to expect and you're afraid you're going to be a disappointment.

Are you getting a new name, what do you think about that?
Yes once I'm adopted my name will be changed. I think it's a great way to have a complete fresh start.

What are your feelings toward your birth family, do you have any contact with them?
I still have contact with my birth family but I wouldn't say there is a real connection.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
In 5 years I see myself graduating college and starting my career. I plan on staying with my adoptive family.

What would you like to say to families that want to adopt but they are scared?
Adoption is definitely something you need to have a passion for. It's an adjustment for everyone. AS soon as you get the right child for your family you will just know.

Do you think this story has always been God's plan for your life?
I definitely think it is the plan for my life.


I hope you can see in Mary the heart I fell in love with, that my friend fell in love with. What God does with that love I am anxious to find out.

Upcoming Events

Blogging 101

Good news! For those of you sick of hearing from me I have been recruiting some guest writers for the blog.  If you are like me, then you love hearing how God has moved in other people's foster and adopt stories. I have several moms so far who I have been in contact with and I am super excited about what they have to say.

Oh wait- did I say several moms? What I meant to say was there are a ton of moms I have been talking to and they are ready to share with all of us. I mean like so many ladies that I can't even count them all. In fact everybody's doing it. Anyone who is anyone will soon be published on this little ole blog.  

Makes you want to join too right? :)

Seriously, please email me if you'd like to contribute. I, in no way, own the market on this gig. 

Also for those of you that have asked about how to leave comments on posts: I have fiddled with the settings and it should be no problem now. At the end of each post just click "comment" then type your comment in the box and scroll down to select your log in. If you don't have a blog or google/Live journal/word press account you can still comment as ANONYMOUS.  Then just hit publish. Hope that helps.

If you have a foster/adopt event you would like advertised here, please email me. There is a spirit moving here in Little Rock and I love being a part of it. I hope you do too! 

Interview with a birth mother

This post reflects the personal opinions of the author and does not indicate an official stance by any church or organization associated with adoptions in Little Rock. 

I get it. Open adoption is a taboo subject.  I know I need to tread lightly here. It may sound like I have a personal agenda and I guess I kinda do. I know it's not for every family. I know it can even be detrimental. We don't have any contact with the bio dads in our situation, only the birth mom, half-sisters and maternal grandparents.  But in those relationships I have seen the healing powers of an open adoption first hand. Many adoptive families don't consider an open adoption. And I get that. I was that way too initially. But as our foster story played out the open adoption just kinda happened. 

It's easier for us as adoptive moms to raise our kids in a vacuum and pretend that our family is all there ever was for our kids. It's easier to try and shelter them and pretend they haven't been exposed to things that conflict with our family values. But that's just pretending. It's not the truth. And I'm one of those that think the truth will set you free. 

The number one reason it works for our family is because their is a mutual respect, and even love between Isabel (the boys birth mom) and myself.  She truly has the boys best interest in mind. Also of huge note, she has never had a problem with drugs, which to me is a game changer in an open adoption.  She sees me as their real mom and "defaults to me as the expert." She holds to the things I ask her to do and not do, even the little things. For example, when she gives a gift she gets something for each of "my six" boys not just "her three." She honors the family they are in and knows their future is with us. 

It sounds ridiculous for me to say this now, but when we first got the boys I was afraid of her. I was careful to never mention what side of town we lived on, what church we attended, where I worked. I made sure not to leave prescriptions for the baby in the diaper bag that had our phone number or address written on them. I didn't even want her to know our last name. I worried that after visits she would hide in her car and spy on us in the parking lot. And guess what? She told me later that she did. That first week they were removed she also hounded the caseworker for information on us and begged him to let us call her. I think she was afraid of us too. 

The term "foster parents" means something different to all of us. We are foster parents- our friends our foster parents-  all those sweet families from our churches are foster parents. But there are also horrible foster parents. The ones you hear about in the news. People in it for the money. Just evil stuff. Can you imagine your kids being taken away and sent to live with "foster parents" when you only know those stories?

I say this to shed light on the fact that there are assumptions made on both sides of the foster/adopt coin. But today I'm speaking to the ones we adoptive moms make about the birth moms.  It can be easy for us foster/adoptive moms to see the scars in our kids lives and be angry at the ones who inflicted them.  If we are honest we have a stereotype in mind when we think of birth moms: abusive, drug-addicted, selfish, young, promiscuous, poor, irresponsible, locked-up, neglectful, or even simply just bad moms. And this is not PC, but frankly sometimes stereotypes start with a hint of truth. When I first met Isabel. she for sure fit some of the criteria in that list and that used to be all I knew about her. That's back when I was afraid, when she was was just the "the birth-mom" to me. 

You can't know the joy I have that she is so much more than that to our family now.

I asked her to answer a few questions to work towards lifting some of the stereotypes we have. She was gracious to say some sweet things about our family which probably look suspiciously planted:) These are 100% her thoughts as candid as she could be in front of strangers. If you are looking for the background post on how are relationship started go here first.

INTERVIEW WITH ISABEL:

1. What were the circumstances surrounding your children's adoption? (ex. How old were they, Did you voluntarily place them, what stage of life where you in yourself) 

My boys were ages 1, 2, and 4. I was very unstable financially and emotionally.

2. What things influenced your decision to put your children up for adoption?

When the judge gave me custody of my boys back I thought things would be back to normal but my 4 year old did not want to be with me he cried every day and misbehaved. He would tell me to take him back with mommy and daddy (his then foster parents) also my 1 year old cried and cried he was not a happy baby with me as I was a stranger to him. He had been raised in a foster home for his first year of life and I was not mommy in his eyes ... I did not know how to handle all this I tried my best to suck it up and move forward but I noticed I was becoming more and more frustrated to the point I began spanking my 4 year old and I saw my self slowly spiralling back to the person I used to be when my boys were first removed from my home . I had to think about our future, the quality of life I would give them versus what they had gotten used to the previous year with their foster family. My boys wanted to go back to their foster home so badly that I felt if that's where they are truly happy then I want them to be there.

3. Was your extended family involved in the decision?

 I have very little family in Houston and my immediate family is not very involved in my children's lives I made the decision on my own after lots of thinking mainly in what was best for the boys and not what I wanted.

4. What is your relationship like now with your children? What do you hope it will be in the future?

I get to see my boys as often as possible. (We live in different states now, so that's usually a few times a year) I feel love coming from them the two oldest receive me with love. I hope to spend much more time with them once they become of age. I dream about them coming to visit me and me cooking for them and meeting their girlfriends, being involved with my grandkids and hopefully they allow me to be in their lives. 

5. What is your relationship like with Bio dad? What is your children's relationship like with him? What do you hope for these relationships in the future?
I do not have a relationship with the fathers and neither do the boys. I honestly don't care if they ever meet their bio dad I think they might get curious about what he looks like or acts like but I don't think they will worry about him for they will grow up with an amazing father who could never be replaced. 

6. What does it feel like to carry the label "birth mom"?
I don't think too much of it for me it's all about my boys and their happiness. I'm grateful that their adoptive mother has decided to always remind them that mom loves them and mom is still mom even though they no longer live with mom and mom is no longer the boss.

7. Is there something that could have been done or some specific help you could have gotten that would have enabled you to keep your family together? What can CPS/DHS do differently to help birth families? 

Encourage family involvement order family therapy and things were family must do together to help build and strengthen the relationship

8. What was your experience like with the foster care system?
I was very cooperative and they saw that from me. I was treated kindly. I felt sympathy from my caseworkers they always worked with me throughout my case.

9. Do you think adoption was always God's plan for your children? 

I never in a million years thought this would happen for us. I am so thankfully we were lucky to have the Jones as our foster family and ultimately my kids adoptive family. My boys are truly blessed and I couldn't be happier. 

10. What does it feel like to see your children love another woman as a mother?
I don't look at it with jealousy at all. I think they are happy and to me that is what matters.

11. What are your thoughts about your children being raised in a family different from their race?
That's a beautiful thing. They are already bi-racial and now they have a little bit of everything in their history. 

12. Do you have any regrets?
My only regret is the feeling of having failed them. I regret the life Judah remembers, his nightmares, his emotional stress caused by his past.

13. What would you like adoptive moms to know about birth moms?

That we are not perfect but we are not bad people. We will always love our babies no matter how much time passes and that at the end we just want what is best for our children. We want them to be loved unconditionally and grow up knowing they didn't miss out on anything. To know they had the best they could ever have because they were adopted.

As you can tell from her answers above, Isabel is a unique, humble, and sacrificial mother. (Oh yeah and she's gorgeous. That's always the first response we hear from friends when they see her pic.)

The bottom line is that for sure she has made poor choices. But who of us hasn't? Maybe our failures didn't have the same lasting consequences as hers. She has done things in anger that changed the course of her children's life forever. And you know what? Because of the relationship we have, she has held our son in her arms and apologized and assured him he is right where he needs to be. She gave him closure and peace about what was happened in his life in a way that I, his mother, never could.

I guess ultimately what I'm trying to suggest is please be prayerful and consider an open adoption. I know the term itself "open adoption" actually sounds formal and intimidating. It really is just opening your heart to the birth family- seeing them as more than a stereotype and instead what they really are- souls that matter to God. In doing so you may find you have more in common than you ever possible.

Just look how much Isabel and I share.

________________________________________________________

 Coming soon and upcoming guest post from a friend of mine who has done one international special needs adoption and is in the process of another. She's going to tell her story about how cocooning was a huge success for their son.

Interested in doing a guest post for the blog?? Email me!!!

Conscious Compassion

This past Friday night David and Jayne Schooler spoke to a crowd of foster and adoptive parents over a yummy Mexican dinner. They have been featured in the video series we've watched and enjoyed on Tuesday nights, but I must say that I really appreciated their live in-person thoughts even more.

One comment Jayne said really stood out to me: "Conscious compassion for our adopted kids can not be sustained."

What she means is that when we hear the stories of these kids, of our kids, who come from orphanages and foster care and other hard places, our hearts can't help but break for them. There is compassion that swells in us to care for the innocent, to fight and protect. But it won't last.

It's horrible, but it's true. At least it was for us. I'm not exactly sure when the compassion that once motivated us to move mountains and add three more boys to our roll call started to fade, but it did. Somewhere between the blank disobedient stares, the undermining passive aggressive antics, the manipulative behaviors, and the sleepless nights with a newborn- I confided to my husband about one of our foster sons, "I can't stand this kid."

Geez. What kind of horrible person would say that about a child who was abused? About a child who was ripped from his home? Taken away from his mom and sisters and deposited in a strange land where the natives don't speak his language? Apparently my kind of person. I would say that. I did say that.

And we didn't even have it that bad. I've heard horror stories about wounded kids from foster care who act out their anger and abuse the only way they know how- with sexual deviance and more abuse aimed at the families trying to help them. I can't even imagine that. I can't even imagine. Our story was nothing like that. We were foster parent impostors compared to others. We were playing nerf-ball while other families were battling it out full contact style. And even for us, compassion was not enough. It stirred our hearts, but it didn't last.

It's the same thing as trying to sustain your marriage with puppy love. Those butterflies from that first kiss will not bring you through lay-offs, cancer, a sick child, or even through your first holiday with in-laws. :) Puppy love is a fleeting feeling. Cory and I have been married almost 13 years and do you know what I feel every time my husband holds my hand? Nothing. I feel nothing. But do you know what I know with unwavering certainty? That man loves me.

Puppy love is a feeling. Compassion is a feeling. It won't last.

So what's the answer then? When the feelings go away how do you make it through Thursday, and then get up to do it again Friday knowing that Saturday and Sunday are coming?

For me, there were a lot of answers. There was holy community. There was talking with mom's going through the same thing.  There was increasing my knowledge about how kids use behavior as their voice. There was kit kats and m&ms. There was trial and error-ing the techniques from Karyn Purvis. There was planting my kids in front of hours of Netflix cartoons. There was dinner brought to our house. There was trading off shifts with my husband. There was leaning into God. There was free babysitting. There was reading adoption blogs. There was saying yes when friends offered to do laundry. There was ignoring what I felt and acting on what I knew:

My kids are worth it.

Keep it up Mommas. Your kids are worth it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's a few more quotes I found inspirational from the past six weeks:

"Our kids were wounded in the context of relationship and they will be healed in the context of relationship." -Jayne Schooler

"We keep going because every day that we wake up and do it again, is one more day that our kids had someone not give up on them."-Adoptive momma from the videos

Got a quote you love? Click on "comments" below and share it to inspire us all.

Reflex parenting

We're starting kinda academic for a Monday so turn your thinking cap on for me. Before we get into what reflex parenting is, let's first define reflex.

Reflex: the consistent, automatic, and immediate action of a muscle group in response to a specific sensory stimuli. 

Still with me? Let's get even nerdier. Did you know that a reflex is not controlled by the brain? It is a reaction of the spinal cord. And trust me you want it that way. When you touch a hot stove you don't want the sensory signal taking it's sweet time to travel from your finger, up your arm, ascending the spinal cord, passing through the cerebellum, and finally up to your cortex where it could get misplaced amongst all the other to do lists your brain has going on that day- you know things like emotions, volitional movement, sensory processing or higher level thinking skills.  You just want your hand off the stove as fast as possible!

Another example of a reflex is the deep tendon patellar reflex. This is the one where you sit on the edge of table, the doctor taps your knee and your leg kicks out. In the therapy world, the fancy word for that is quadricep activation or knee extension. Typically your brain controls knee extension -when it comes to your child kicking a soccer ball, or laying on their back throwing a fit- that's knee extension. It's the exact same movement for all three but one is the result of brain activity and includes purpose and motivation while the other is a reflex with no emotion involved.

Reflexes are fast, emotionless, and always give the same response.

Now let's talk about reflex parenting. Listen, I'm all for trying to shape my kids character. I want them to be self-disciplined and self-regulated because the plan is for them to move out of the nest someday...and be in charge of their own dental hygiene amongst other things. I don't expect their future boss to see that my child gets 10 hours of sleep and stays away from dairy. And I' not gonna tell his future wife, "You have to remind him to brush his teeth. And always give him one warning to pick up his clothes before you start counting to 3 or he'll have a meltdown."

(Although I have told my oldest that when he gets married, if his wife does home haircuts she needs to call me- because there is only one way to get that front double helix cowlick of his to lay flat.)

Levi 5 years ago

Reflex parenting is not about character development. It's not for teaching hard life lessons about alcohol use, honesty, sexuality, generosity,  and compassion etc. Those are higher level skills. Reflex parenting is just for those annoying little things that all kids do. I'm talking about tattling, whining. pestering, fighting with siblings, crying and on and on. As my husband puts it: the chinese water torture part of parenting. You can't get all bent out of shape every time your child whines or tattles. Drip. Drip. Drip. Because you will make yourself looney bin crazy. They are going to do it. You just need an automatic, emotionless, and predictable response. You need a reflex; a quick phrase to handle the situation that you can say every single time without thinking about it.

Below are some reflex parenting one-liners that we have said or have picked up from other parenting friends.

Disobeying-
"Would you like a consequence or a do-over?"

Tattling- 
Mom: "Did Mommy push you?"
Child: "No, Kaden did."
Mom: "Then you should talk to Kaden about it."

Fighting over toys-
"What's more important the toy or your sister?"

Pestering-
"Not cool. Knock it off."

Whining-
"Sorry, but I can't hear you. You need to talk like a big kid so that my ears can understand you."
-or-
"Use your words."

Repetitive Whining-
"You've already told me that. Is there something else you would like to say?"

Fake crying
"Is it one of the 3 B's?  (bleeding, barfing, broken). Nope? Then come get a kiss and you'll be fine."


Disclaimer: So obviously these aren't going to work every time. Sometimes you still get burned by the stove.  But based on the research study we are doing at home with our own little focus group of children, we are seeing some good results with our reflex parenting. Hopefully you will too.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Got any other good suggestions? Sound off in the comments. Because, seriously,  who doesn't love a good one-liner..."You're over me? When were you under me?" :)

Life Books and The Sex Talk

This past weekend we were lucky to have our adopted boys' bio mom, half-sisters, and maternal grandfather come for a visit from out of state. I say lucky because I know not every adoption triad is privy to such respectful and honest dynamics between everyone.  Please know that respectful for sure doesn't mean easy.  But it does mean worth it. It's worth it because my three youngest boys get a holistic view of who they are and where they came from, which I think is particularly important  since they don't "match" the rest of us.

A quick caution though if you decide to embark on an open adoption:  Make sure you tell your child their history first before bio family does- that way you can translate it the way you want your child to receive it. It's kinda like how you want to have the sex talk with your son before he gets the scoop from his junior high buddies. Case in point,  this past weekend I walked up on a conversation between Judah and his sister as she was saying, "Our mom went to jail because she hit you in the face with a hanger." I'm not sure if she wanted shock value or was just thinking her concrete 8 year-old thoughts out loud, but either way, he struck back with an unphased reply, "I already know about that."

I was soooo grateful he had worked through that with us first.

If you aren't able to give your kids roots through a connection with birth family there is another way to normalize their experience by creating a life book for them. A life book is simply a collection of memories and pictures that puts words to what has happened. It's a tool that can be used to help your kids understand the inevitably hard transitions they have survived, but maybe have not processed yet.

I plan on making three books eventually, one for each of our adopted boys. They were adopted as a sibling set, but adoption means something different to each of them because of how old they where when it happened. For example, Judah was the oldest and remembers the time in foster care where the others don't.  He is also the one (at least right now) who has the most struggles-  probably because he remembers more and probably because he was the one who endured the abuse which put them all in foster care. So far I have only made his book.

I wrote it as though Judah was the narrator of the story. I did this on purpose because I wanted him to embrace this story as his own. Because frankly it is his own.  It cost about $30 to make using www.snapfish.com but their are lots of other websites you can look into that do the same thing. It was super easy to upload digital pictures and add my own narrative. And thanks to his mom, his book even has a few baby pics and a pic of his birth dad whom we have no contact with.

Below are a few examples from his book so you can see how I tackled some tough topics. Of note, I did not address the abuse in the book because putting that in black and white print makes it static forever. To me, that is a fluid topic that needs to be addressed in different ways  throughout the years depending on what his questions are. And honestly he has significantly healed from that already, thanks to a beautifully hard conversation he and I had with Mom last year. Find more on that here if you are interested. If you can't tell, I'm very much a talk-about-the-elephant in the room person.

Back to the life book. This is definitely not the only way to make a book, I know there are lots of other examples on-line. I know this because I stole ideas from ones I found just like you are welcome to steal from me. :)  Just try to give your kids words for what happened to them. The goal should be to take the events of their fragmented life and make it into one seamless happy story.  I am really proud of how Judah's turned out, but not near as proud as he is!

Front Cover

Opening Narrative: "Hi! My name is Judah and I love to read books. And guess what? This book is a story all about me. Did you know that sometimes stories are sad? And sometimes stories can even be scary? But you don't have to be nervous about that. Because this isn't a sad story or a scary story. NO WAY!! This is a happy story because it's MY story. And guess what else? This is story is full of surprises. You better keep on reading so you can find out what they are."

Adoptive parents and birth parents

On this page "he" explains the first surprise- how his named was Jordan when he was baby but it changed to Judah when he got adopted. He remembers his old name because he was four years old when we changed it, so I included that in the book. "He" goes on to explain what birth parents vs adoptive parents mean and how adoptive parents are the same thing as your real parents. I tried to think of some questions he might get from friends, and give him the words to answer. 

Lots of pics

To explain why he has brown skin and Mommy, Daddy, and his older brothers have white skin, "Judah" tells how a baby's skin always matches the tummy it was growing in. Technically he is biracial (hispanic and black) and he really matches his black birth dad the most, but I wasn't ready to tackle genetics and THE REAL SEX TALK with him just yet. :)

Mixed with narrative

A very crucial part of the story happens on this page. It explains how he came to be adopted, and most importantly does so without demonizing his mom. "Judah" says: "Did you ever think about all the things you need in order to take care of a family? Some things a family needs are: a house to live in, beds to sleep in, money to buy food, toys to play with, a car to drive, and lots of LOVE. Mom had some of those things, but not all of them and that's why she wanted me to live with Mommy and Daddy. She knew they had all those things and that they could take really good care of me and my brothers. It was a very hard decision for Mom, but she says it was the right thing to do and she doesn't regret it. Sometimes there might be some sad things about adoption at first, but that's ok. When I'm sad I snuggle in Mommy's lap or talk to Daddy. They help me figure out all the sad things and tell me how much they love me. And then of course I am happy again! Because remember what I already told you...this is a happy story."

There are a few more pages of narrative specific to our situation related to moving to Arkansas and meeting the Judge. The book ends with an easy: "My name is Judah Jones and I hope you liked my happy story." The very last two pages are personal letters written to him from my husband and I. And there you have it...a life book. Was that helpful?  I hope so. Judah's book is specific enough to answer questions but general enough that I can add details as he grows. I  gave a copy to his birth Mom so that she would know the language we use with him and hopefully mimic it too. She loved it of course. 

Have you made a life book for your child? Or figured out a way to explain a tricky subject in an age appropriate way? I would love to steal some more ideas. After all, I've got two more books to make!! Sound off in the comments below.

SuperMom

I'm telling you ladies, these Tuesday night videos are really helping me up my game.  I don't want to brag but I have turned into SuperMom. See my conversation with my three year old as proof:

Me: I need you to use this bowl this morning not the white one. Your brother needs the white one so he won't knock it over and spill it. 

Him: But I waaaaaaannnnnnt it.

Me: (Ignore) Who can be a big boy for me this morning and use the blue bowl?

Him: But I waaaaaaaannnnnt it.

Me: I heard you say that already and the answer is no. Is there something else you would like to tell me?

Him: But I waaaaaaannnnnt it.

Me: It sounds like you are talking yucky to Mommy. Would you like a do-over and try to talk nice to Mommy all by yourself, or do you need some help to think of sweet words?

Him: Do-over. 

Me: Thank you. That is a good choice. 

So, smooth right? And let me tell you that when I was typing the conversation just now it was really difficulty to mimic the whine and screeching particularly with the word WWWAAAAANNNNTTTT. And yet I stayed cool as a cucumber.

Alright. Alright. So if I'm being completely forthcoming that conversation happened last Wednesday morning, but by Thursday morning my responses were more like this:

Me: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS TODAY!!!!!!!! YOU ARE BEING A GROUCH!!!!! I ALREADY SAID NO!!!!!!

Yeah, not as smooth. Apparently the videos tend to wear off after 24 hours. Good thing there is another one tomorrow night so I can re-charge.  See you tomorrow night!