Make it right

I have had some disconnected thoughts swirling in my head for the past few weeks that I think are finally coming together. Lets see if I can get them out without blubbering too much.

Basically there are three main happenings involved:

Number 1: If you read my latest post you know we are in the thick of some scratch-your-eyeballs out behavior with one of our boys amongst our usual drama with the others that has us really trying to be intentional again with our attachment.

Number 2: My husband got his first official gig doing some pre-marital counseling. He took a class or two on counseling as part of his ministry degree years ago, but he would be the first to tell you he's no expert. However, one of our dear friends from Houston is a licensed counselor and has always said she recommends the book The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real to all of her clients. Eager to get some practical tips in his tool belt, I read the book aloud to my husband during our holiday road trip while the boys stayed hypnotized by hour after hour of Arthur, Ben Ten, Deigo and a Science special on Insects- thanks to our van's DVD player.  When we bought the van several years ago we swore we were not going to be THAT FAMILY that let their kids watch TV in the car non-stop. Then we got three more boys so yeah, whatever about that.  

At one point in the book the author veers a bit from marriage relationship advice and makes the statement, "Whenever you call a child to account for some failure or misdeed, you must always be sure to allow him a way to redeem his wrong, some avenue by which he can regain his good standing in the group. A healthy parent doesn't just nail a child and leave it at that. " (pg. 183).  

Hmmm. Interesting. 

And finally number 3: Several years ago when we first found out the boys were coming back to us forever and we were pursuing adoption,  I was ravenous for information. I would spend hours reading blogs, books, and websites. This was before I knew that adoption conferences or orphan ministries were a thing. But in that hunt, I stumbled upon some you tube videos by adoptive Mom, Christine Moers. She has several older kids she adopted out of foster care and, I think,  has some great insight. 

One of her videos (6 min) is on lying. Pretty much she says that traumatized kids are gonna lie, and when you ask them point blank "did you do this?' you are setting them up to be dishonest. Her thought is that traumatized kids are not secure enough in themselves and in relationships to be vulnerable and verbally own up to what they have done. But for the sake of relationship, and connection, and basically for attachment they still have to be given the chance to "fix" their wrong even if they can't admit they were wrong. 

Hmmm. Again. 

And so the combination of these swirling thoughts has created a new parenting theory we are trying out with our kids: the idea of letting them "Make it right." 

Prior to this new revelation I have felt like it is my right as a parent to force my boys to listen (with their eyes AND ears!!) to my 5-15-or 20 minute lectures because I am the mom and they are the child. I gave myself permission to rant on and on until I felt like I had brought them to repentance until they really got what was so terrible about their actions. To some extent I suppose this is a discipline technique and as a parent I am in charge of disciplining my boys. 

But is it working? I'm not so sure.

So what's the pay off? Why do I keep doing it? Well, pretty much because I'm selfish. Lecturing (which is really just me venting) gives me a release for my anger about the situation and makes me feel great. It's like a righteous indignation high. Terrence Real calls it the barf-bag approach to intimacy. As in, "Here. Hold this for me, will ya? I feel better now." (pg. 47)

It does nothing for my boys though. NOTHING for the one holding the barf bag. It doesn't teach or encourage or character build. All the things I really want to do for my kids. And so I am trying really hard to take this technique out of my skill set. Thanks to my children I had lots of opportunities to practice this week. :)

One of my most successful attempts happened last night. My 6 year old adopted son is just now mastering potty training and so on long car trips we put him in a pull-up just in case, you know, as in "just in case" he falls asleep in the car or "just in case" we can't pull over fast enough when he needs to go. Notice that does not include "just in case you decide to be lazy and pee in your pull-up on purpose." We arrived home last night and I realized for the entire 5 hour car ride he had never asked once to go to the bathroom. I knew he was wet.  I knew it was on purpose. I knew he would claim it was an accident. And I knew that would make me furious.

So I didn't ask him.

We unloaded the van and I simply said, "Baby, if your pull-up is wet you need to wash yourself off in the tub and put a new one on for bed time." I kissed him on the forehead and sent him on his way. I skipped the lecture,  skipped the shaming, skipped the fight, skipped the accusations that he doesn't know how to respond to anyway. You know the "I'm tired of this. You are 6 years old. You know you are not supposed to pee in your pull-up on purpose. Why do you keep doing this? When are you going to stop?"

I skipped my righteous indignation. 

Did he break a rule he knows? Yep. Would I have been accurate in saying a six year old should not be peeing in his pull-up? Of course.  Does a mom of six boys have a right to be so tired, so over, so exhausted, so done with the obstinate presence of little boy pee? You betcha I do :) 

But by letting him "make it right" instead of pointing out why he was wrong did I then swap a huge fight with my son for a peaceful evening of putting the boys to bed followed by snuggling up next to my husband to watch Last Comic Standing while shoveling M&M's in my mouth? Well, Duh.