5 things that are still awkward about adoption

The adoption of our youngest boys has been finalized for over a year now and we have known them for almost three years. That seems like a long time to me. And still there are some things about adoption that are unnatural for us. Attachment and bonding are coming along in the expected (but still hard) two steps forward-one step back dance, and we have navigated through some tough issues already, but there is still some lingering awkwardness. Most of it has to do with words and phrasing we use within our family and about our family.  We all know how the internet loves lists, so I've narrowed it down to a top five for you....

TOP FIVE THINGS ABOUT OUR ADOPTION THAT ARE STILL AWKWARD:

# 1. Holding back from glamourizing family traits-  We have three biological boys who favor my husband and frankly favor each other as well. It was fun when they were infants to see what my genes plus Cory's genes can produce. Some traits were fun like making two red-heads. What in the world? And some traits were even more fun like extra fingers and webbed toes. That one was heavy on Jones genes:)  It's also been sweet to watch the boys grow and see how they walk just like Daddy or rub their tired eyes the same way he does. And it's fun to hear our friends and family comment on their likeness as well.  But I just wonder how it makes our younger boys feel. We were intentional about adopting siblings for our family so that they would have someone they identified with physically. We are intentional to point out ways they look like each other and like their birthparents. But, we also are intentional about finding ways they are like us. "You have brown eyes just like Mommy. You are funny just like Daddy. Your laugh sounds just like your brother. "

I read a blogpost from an adult adoptee who referenced the time she was speaking at an event for adopting families and told the listeners to get up from their chairs and mingle with others in the audience until they found someone that looked like them. She made the point that this is how adoptees can feel their whole life- always on the hunt for people that look like them. I recall another time a friend who is adopted told me that the first time she held her infant son in her arms was the first time in her life she had ever been in the presence of someone who looked liked her. Later as an adult, she met her birth family and found it funny that she and all her grown siblings sat the same way with their legs pulled up under them. She was in awe at their genetically-tied quirks. Look below and you'll see I'm a carbon copy of my mother and so I can't relate to that longing. But I bet it's a powerful part of your identity.

# 2. Referencing events before the adoption- This one is just awkward for me. I still haven't figured out a phrase I like for when they ask about things before they were with us. I don't like saying "before you were in our family" because I don't like emphasizing that separation between my adopted boys  and bio boys. "Before you where born" is not always true. Sometimes I say "before you were adopted," but there was almost two years when we fostered them before they were adopted and I can't bring myself to say "when you were in foster care" because that just sounds so icky to me. Sadly "foster kid" has a bad stigma and I don't like thinking of my sons as foster kids. Usuallly, I just end up saying "that's when you lived with mom" or "that's before we got you," which I don't love either. Ugh. See? Still working on this one.

# 3. What we call the birth dads- Occasionally we use first names and we've also said birth dad before, but have found that hard to explain when they start asking questions. It's easy to explain what birth mom means because even young kids understand that babies grow in a Mommy's tummy and so they must have grown in a tummy too. They don't however, understand the whole sperm, egg, zygote thing though, ya know? :) One time I used the phrase "first dad" with one of the boys and then he wanted to know about his second and third dads and so on. Makes it a little tricky to attach when they are just waiting for more moms and dads to come along.

Somewhat related, we have always used "Mom" when talking about their birthmom and the boys call me "Momma." Like I said, we were their foster parents and for the first year we never knew they would be forever ours. When the goal was reunification we always called Isabel- "Mom" and me-"Momma" so we just kept it that way after their adoption. She will always be there mom after all, and with our open adoption we always wanted to show love and respect for her.

# 4. What we call our adopted boys- Even just writing that heading sounds awful. Obviously they are our sons, so I don't mean it like that. I just mean sometimes we are trying to differentiate for whatever reason (to a doctor, to a babysitter, to a teacher) between our biological boys and our adopted boys. But again I don't like the separation that implies. Sometimes we candidly say "our white boys and our brown boys" because  in our family that's not offensive.  We talk about skin color and race all the time. It's no different than me differentiating between "my green eyed boys and my brown eyed boys" to us- but I can see how other people might be offended. Typically, we say "younger boys or older boys" and that gets us by. When it's just Cory and I talking to each other, we simply say "the boys" about both groupings and just know what the other is talking about based on context. It's confusing for others, but it works for us. It's like how my Uncle and cousin both go by the name Gary and as a child I could never keep up in conversations, but my aunt always knew who she was talking about!

Lastly-
# 5. Filling out medical history forms- No explanation needed. Am I right?? :)

Make it right

I have had some disconnected thoughts swirling in my head for the past few weeks that I think are finally coming together. Lets see if I can get them out without blubbering too much.

Basically there are three main happenings involved:

Number 1: If you read my latest post you know we are in the thick of some scratch-your-eyeballs out behavior with one of our boys amongst our usual drama with the others that has us really trying to be intentional again with our attachment.

Number 2: My husband got his first official gig doing some pre-marital counseling. He took a class or two on counseling as part of his ministry degree years ago, but he would be the first to tell you he's no expert. However, one of our dear friends from Houston is a licensed counselor and has always said she recommends the book The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real to all of her clients. Eager to get some practical tips in his tool belt, I read the book aloud to my husband during our holiday road trip while the boys stayed hypnotized by hour after hour of Arthur, Ben Ten, Deigo and a Science special on Insects- thanks to our van's DVD player.  When we bought the van several years ago we swore we were not going to be THAT FAMILY that let their kids watch TV in the car non-stop. Then we got three more boys so yeah, whatever about that.  

At one point in the book the author veers a bit from marriage relationship advice and makes the statement, "Whenever you call a child to account for some failure or misdeed, you must always be sure to allow him a way to redeem his wrong, some avenue by which he can regain his good standing in the group. A healthy parent doesn't just nail a child and leave it at that. " (pg. 183).  

Hmmm. Interesting. 

And finally number 3: Several years ago when we first found out the boys were coming back to us forever and we were pursuing adoption,  I was ravenous for information. I would spend hours reading blogs, books, and websites. This was before I knew that adoption conferences or orphan ministries were a thing. But in that hunt, I stumbled upon some you tube videos by adoptive Mom, Christine Moers. She has several older kids she adopted out of foster care and, I think,  has some great insight. 

One of her videos (6 min) is on lying. Pretty much she says that traumatized kids are gonna lie, and when you ask them point blank "did you do this?' you are setting them up to be dishonest. Her thought is that traumatized kids are not secure enough in themselves and in relationships to be vulnerable and verbally own up to what they have done. But for the sake of relationship, and connection, and basically for attachment they still have to be given the chance to "fix" their wrong even if they can't admit they were wrong. 

Hmmm. Again. 

And so the combination of these swirling thoughts has created a new parenting theory we are trying out with our kids: the idea of letting them "Make it right." 

Prior to this new revelation I have felt like it is my right as a parent to force my boys to listen (with their eyes AND ears!!) to my 5-15-or 20 minute lectures because I am the mom and they are the child. I gave myself permission to rant on and on until I felt like I had brought them to repentance until they really got what was so terrible about their actions. To some extent I suppose this is a discipline technique and as a parent I am in charge of disciplining my boys. 

But is it working? I'm not so sure.

So what's the pay off? Why do I keep doing it? Well, pretty much because I'm selfish. Lecturing (which is really just me venting) gives me a release for my anger about the situation and makes me feel great. It's like a righteous indignation high. Terrence Real calls it the barf-bag approach to intimacy. As in, "Here. Hold this for me, will ya? I feel better now." (pg. 47)

It does nothing for my boys though. NOTHING for the one holding the barf bag. It doesn't teach or encourage or character build. All the things I really want to do for my kids. And so I am trying really hard to take this technique out of my skill set. Thanks to my children I had lots of opportunities to practice this week. :)

One of my most successful attempts happened last night. My 6 year old adopted son is just now mastering potty training and so on long car trips we put him in a pull-up just in case, you know, as in "just in case" he falls asleep in the car or "just in case" we can't pull over fast enough when he needs to go. Notice that does not include "just in case you decide to be lazy and pee in your pull-up on purpose." We arrived home last night and I realized for the entire 5 hour car ride he had never asked once to go to the bathroom. I knew he was wet.  I knew it was on purpose. I knew he would claim it was an accident. And I knew that would make me furious.

So I didn't ask him.

We unloaded the van and I simply said, "Baby, if your pull-up is wet you need to wash yourself off in the tub and put a new one on for bed time." I kissed him on the forehead and sent him on his way. I skipped the lecture,  skipped the shaming, skipped the fight, skipped the accusations that he doesn't know how to respond to anyway. You know the "I'm tired of this. You are 6 years old. You know you are not supposed to pee in your pull-up on purpose. Why do you keep doing this? When are you going to stop?"

I skipped my righteous indignation. 

Did he break a rule he knows? Yep. Would I have been accurate in saying a six year old should not be peeing in his pull-up? Of course.  Does a mom of six boys have a right to be so tired, so over, so exhausted, so done with the obstinate presence of little boy pee? You betcha I do :) 

But by letting him "make it right" instead of pointing out why he was wrong did I then swap a huge fight with my son for a peaceful evening of putting the boys to bed followed by snuggling up next to my husband to watch Last Comic Standing while shoveling M&M's in my mouth? Well, Duh.