Maybe it's Me

If you are like me, you have read a-lot of books, watched a-lot of videos, and talked to a-lot of other Momma's about handling the hard behaviors that can come with kids from hard places.

Lately I've been joking with my husband that the "hard place" our kids come from is not their birth family, but our family. I don't really mean that of course:)  But as you can imagine, with our six boys, we are not short on chaos. The drama has actually calmed quite a bit in the last few months.  I can honestly say that most of the things we deal with on a day to day basis are not what I would consider "adoption issues." It's really just typical developmental stuff from the two littles,  combined with sibling dynamics, combined with everyone still working on the selfless nature it takes to live in a large family.

What I'm really discovering is that when we do have hard days, sometimes it has nothing to do with my boys and everything to do with me.

Sometimes we struggle in our family NOT because the youngest three are working through a sense of loss, NOT because they don't feel attached to us, NOT because every negative behavior is a need, NOT because they are black and we are white, and NOT for a million other reputable reasons I've read about. Sometimes we struggle because this Momma is tired, and pre-occupied, and trying to text a friend and snaps because her name has been called 354 times in the last hour.

Sometimes it's me.

I've recently stumbled upon two Momma bloggers who are also sounding off to say: Sometimes it's me. Check them out, I think it will grow you.

Blog #1:
This momma has four boys (bio only I think) and discovered that the reason she yelled so much was not really her kid's fault. There are multiple hyperlinks within this one post where she shares some great how-to steps, some insightful ways to track your own triggers, and some alternatives to yelling. Find her here:
http://theorangerhino.com/12-steps-to-stop-yelling-at-your-kid/ 

Blog #2:
This momma who writes under an alias also has four boys...Hmm I'm picking up on a theme here :)... (2 bio and 2 adopted from a group home out of age order). And she seems like a lady I would love to have coffee with. I totally binged on her blog over the course of a few days and have read every single post. Spoiler alert: She has been through the ringer. For example, one of her boys with RAD went through a phase where he would pull up the hardwood planks in his upstairs bedroom and pee into the newly created hole causing the urine to leak through the drywall and drip through the ceiling downstairs. And repeated every night. Wowzers. Kinda makes my freak out response-to my son calling my name a bajillion times-while I'm typing out a text-seem like a bit of an over reaction on my part!!

AND even though she has a child with a RAD diagnosis, she has some great insight and believes that despite some crazy behaviors from her kids -like indoor raining urine- sometimes the hard days are still her fault.
Check out one of her archived posts here:
http://www.thisradmom.com/2013/11/behaviorally-speaking.html

And then go back and read more of her stuff!

Theology of Adoption

I have a real treat for you all- a guest post by one of my besties, Crystal Young. She's a momma to two precious boys (like her boys are literally precious and easily WAY calmer, kinder, and with much better manners than my crew fo' sure!)

About a year ago she felt God pull her toward adoption of a specific little girl...
that she has no idea where to find. She writes about the journey at www.findingevie.blogspot.com You should definitely go back and read this post.

I know there are many "theologies" when it comes to adoption. There are those of us who believe God intended our adopted children to be in our families since the beginning of time. And there are those of us who believe adoption is a holy redemptive plan B after a sin filled people screwed up plan A.

There are some, like my friend Crystal who feel God's calling on their lives is to a specific task, a specific child.  I liken this to a Moses or Joseph story. God has an adventure in mind and summons  HIS protagonists to the plot. And then there are others, like me -or like Dorcas from the New Testament- who maybe never felt a specific calling, but are just trying to help wherever the need is.  I'm not here to judge which theology is better. Just stating the fact that Moses didn't make it to the promise land, while Dorcas was so beloved she was risen from the dead ;) Ok JK.

Seriously, I do believe that our faith is shaped by our experiences and that's why I love hearing other people's stories of how God works in their life, because it's different from how He works in mine. Jesus is greater than my individual theology.

So meet my friend Crystal. You're gonna love her.

FINDING EVIE By: Crystal Young

I stared at the question on the big screen in church this morning: What do you need Jesus to be greater than in your life? I didn't even have to blink.

My plans.

My impatience.

I haven't written all summer. I'm realizing it's just so difficult to write a story when you're mid-plot.

It's been nearly a year since we started talking about adoption, a year since God smacked his plans onto my heart. And in our human estimation, we're no closer to adding to our family than when we began the conversation. Not on a waiting list. Not feeling drawn toward any particular kids. Not even doing paperwork.

In anthropology and folklore there's this idea that in the middle of a ritual there exists a phase called liminality, a period in which the participants are "betwixt and between" two places, separated from who they were, but not yet something new.

This is where we are.

I haven't met anyone else who's in this same place. You guys, I don't even have the words to explain this place. I haven't met anyone else whose journey looks like this. It's frustrating. Lonely.

It's also bursting with hope.

It's a little silly, how full of hope I am. This is it, the thing that sets us apart as followers of Christ. This is the gift. We are silly full of hope. Because we know--when God makes a promise, he keeps it.

Since the school year started, I've been reading through a new Bible storybook with our kindergartner. I keep noticing the same phrase over and over: But God remembered. But God remembered Noah. But God remembered Abraham. But God remembered Joseph. Sarah threw up her hands and laughed at God's timing, and I wonder how far Joseph felt from his dreams when he was languishing in prison. But look, I whisper to my five-year-old, Here's the best part. God didn't forget. Even when we feel very, very far away, God is always bringing us back to his promises. This good God who gives hope, he is showing me how he works--and giving me the language to share this with my kids. He remembers even when I forget. 

When we started talking about adoption, I started asking God to show us the way, to prepare our hearts. I don't recommend this. Don't even think about asking God to prepare you for something unless you're ready for some serious renovations. I am here to tell you, he will rub his hands together and go straight to work. And he's not going to come in and paint the cabinets that cute color you have in mind, either. He's going to rip them out and replace them with the cabinets you thought you couldn't afford. We can't DO that!, you will tell him, and he will grab your hand and keep right on working. This is what you asked for.

So even though I'm feeling so far from that first promise, even though adoption has been a series of doors in my face (sorry), I can feel God preparing us. He is always making a better way than what we plan. It's a little confusing to have God set your heart on adoption, then feel him gently guide you away from it. It's a little frustrating to focus your efforts on a kid somewhere out there who belongs with you, only to have God say, Not yet. We're going over here first. We are groping madly along, wondering where in the world God is leading. It feels like a detour to me. It isn't. I expect our story to look like the other adoption stories I've seen. It doesn't.

I stopped praying for clarity when I realized God is teaching me to be blind. He is inviting me to be wholly dependent on him, to give up my plans and let him plug me into this big thing he's doing in the world. He's asking me to believe that there's a better way, that there are some people I need to know and love before I'm ready to meet Evie. He's asking me to step out on the water and lose sight of everything but him.

I was embarrassed to write that we are no closer to adoption, until I saw these words from Jen Hatmaker a few days ago:

Do not be ashamed to hope. There is no shame in banking on God's love to prevail, His Spirit to win the day. That doesn't make you naive or foolish; this has been poured into your heart. Hope is the believer's response and gift......Hope is our anthem and we can sing it in the dark before even a glimmer of light arises.

How silly I was to think that our adoption journey was only about adopting a kid. It is, it always is, about God rescuing his people. His revelation to me was nothing less than an invitation to join him in his plan.

He is taking our expectations and exceeding them in ways only he can imagine.

What you can do:

You can pray with us. I don't mean this flippantly. You can pray that we won't lose sight of hope. That we'll accept with gratitude the responsibilities he's handed to us today and not dismiss them as less important than our own man-made goals, and that the only one we'll blindly follow is the one who has the power to remove the scales. You can pray that our obedience will yield peace in our hearts. You can pray for our girl. I don't know if she's "out there" somewhere or if she's even been born, I don't know when she'll come to us, I'm not even completely certain God wasn't being metaphorical and ironic, but because there's a chance she is an actual child who exists on this planet on this day, I cry out to God on her behalf. I would be humbled if you'd join me.

Where we are is not where I thought we'd be, but I'm okay. Do I believe that God intends to literally add to our family? Absolutely. Is he going to yield to my timeline? It's not looking likely. But I'll keep you posted.

Upcoming Events

Hey Mommas-It's been a while. I'm sorry for the unintended hiatus. But- I'm back online with a bang because I have a ton of upcoming events to tell you about. Just a heads up, I know there are other churches who are launching orphan ministries and may have events coming up that are open to the public. The ones I listed here are the ones I know about, but I am happy to add yours- just gotta let me know.


SEPTEMBER
FAMILY PICNIC- September 21 @Maumelle State Park

DAD's NIGHT OUT- September 23 6:30-8:00pm @ Fellowship

All Adoptive and Foster Dad's AND Dad's to be- come for a night of fellowship and food. $5.00 covers dinner and childcare, but you must register. See Fellowship's website. 

OCTOBER
MOM's BREAKFAST- October 2nd 9-11am @Fellowship
This is a monthly event hosted by Fellowship Bible Church. The kick off was last week and was such a blessing to me personally. Its a casual hang-out-with-other-mommas while swapping stories of success and failures. Hope to see you there.

March 2015
Hope Conference March 6 & 7, 2015 @Immanuel
This past year Geyer Springs Baptist Church hosted the first Hope conference and it was such a hit that it has become an annual event. This is a "save the date" for 2015 hosted by Immanuel Baptist Church. You don't want to miss it. We are bringing in really talented guest speakers from out of state, but will also have local professionals sharing their expertise and highlighting resources/services from our own area. It is going to be an ULTIMATE VILLAGE experience with breakout sessions to tailor your experience to your family's needs and any struggles that may be specific to your kiddos. Sounds awesome doesn't it? Hurry up 2015.