Tales of Two Struggling Mommas

ANYONE HAVING A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW WITH A KIDDO YOU LOVE TO PIECES AND ARE TRYING REALLY HARD TO LIKE?

You're not alone. Come find some solace in the tales of two struggling mommas.

For a peek into my week go HERE: The Mathematics of Attachment.

and then for a more eloquent read go HERE: Progress is Painful.

Guest post from a soon-to-be DAUGHTER

About 8 months ago I volunteered at an event for teenaged girls in foster care that live in a local group home. That's where I met Mary (name changed), a 15 year old girl,  for the first time. There were about 8 women from our church present that Sunday afternoon and we doted on -and nail polished -and curled hair for about 6 girls. I connected with several of the girls and truthfully didn't even interact with Mary that much, but something about her stayed with me.

Over the course of a few months I saw her a few more times, enough that she recognized me each time I saw her.  Again it was at different volunteer events where new adult women would shower the girls from the home with attention for an afternoon- be it over cooking together, painting together or playing dress-up. The girls knew I had been a foster mom so I think that gave me some clout in their eyes. And while working on projects side by side they would open up to me about their lives. I felt honored that they trusted me, but also really I knew that I was one of many people including case workers and lawyers and mentors and DHS workers and teachers that they had shared their stories with.  It felt unnatural for the girls to have so many shallow relationships with adult women. I always left my "volunteering time" with a pit in my stomach.  They didn't need one more adult friend, who loved them for an afternoon. They needed a mom.

My draw to Mary became stronger. I would day dream about her being my daughter. To be clear I had no business adopting a 15 year old girl. I have 6 boys that run me ragged all day and DHS would never approve fitting one more child in our tiny house. I wasn't sure why God wouldn't let me look away from her though. I contacted the director of the group home and fumbled through my explanation of how I couldn't adopt right now, but I felt called to Mary. The gracious director assured me that wasn't weird at all and people have that experience all the time.  I inquired about becoming a mentor and found out that after some paperwork and a home interview we could be allowed to bring Mary home for weekend passes. That sounded better than a random event every other month or so.

I confided in a friend about my absurd obsession with Mary and she got to meet her for herself a few months later. Wouldn't you know my friend fell in love with her too. Honestly, it would be hard not to when Mary would outright joke- but not really joke- "Don't you want a daughter? I can clean and help around the house." It was torture to watch this 15 year old girl market herself. The good news was my friend actually had a house big enough to take in one more child and even had a current  home study. Suddenly, God wouldn't let her look away either.

She talked with her husband Friday night and by Monday they wanted to adopt Mary and had contacted her adoption worker. How perfect, I thought. Mary would have a mom and a dad and all brothers just like what she would have gotten with us. I started to think, maybe that was my part in all this anyway-  to connect her to my new friend- and to her new family. Funny how God moves sometimes.

BUT as it turns out another family from out of town had also recently inquired about Mary.  DHS stated they would compare notes on this family and my friend's family and decide which would be the best fit.

Mary was matched with the family from NW Arkansas. Funny how you think it was God moving, but maybe He wasn't after all.

My friend and I were both perplexed. What was the point of that roller coaster? Why were we both so drawn to her when nothing came of it at all? I still don't know. I hope it will make sense someday.  But regardless, I am truly delighted for Mary. I ran into her a few weeks ago and she had a picture of her new parents. She beamed when I told her she kinda looked like her new mom. And she really does.

Just this morning, Mary texted me and said she was back from a 2 week pass with her new family and would be moving home forever on Thursday. I can't imagine what that must feel like. If you are curious like me then you want to know too. And so in her nervousness and excitement Mary offered to do a little Q&A to give us insight into her thoughts as she FINALLY leaves foster care and becomes someone's daughter.

INTERVIEW WITH MARY:

Tell us a little about your foster experience?
When I came into care I was 9 years old and now I am 15 years old. Being in foster care has been a big part of my life.

What makes you most excited about being adopted?
The most exciting part is knowing that I'm gonna have a support system and a family to go to for Holidays for the rest of my life.

Do you think it will be hard to bond with your new family?
In some ways bonding is going to be difficult because I'm coming into an unfamiliar place and trying to fit in as if I have been here my whole life.

What has been the hardest thing about being in foster care?
The hardest part is feeling alone. Sometimes it's easy to feel underprivileged.

How does it feel to get matched with strangers and know they might be your family someday?
Meeting a potential family can be sorta stressful. You don't know what to expect and you're afraid you're going to be a disappointment.

Are you getting a new name, what do you think about that?
Yes once I'm adopted my name will be changed. I think it's a great way to have a complete fresh start.

What are your feelings toward your birth family, do you have any contact with them?
I still have contact with my birth family but I wouldn't say there is a real connection.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
In 5 years I see myself graduating college and starting my career. I plan on staying with my adoptive family.

What would you like to say to families that want to adopt but they are scared?
Adoption is definitely something you need to have a passion for. It's an adjustment for everyone. AS soon as you get the right child for your family you will just know.

Do you think this story has always been God's plan for your life?
I definitely think it is the plan for my life.


I hope you can see in Mary the heart I fell in love with, that my friend fell in love with. What God does with that love I am anxious to find out.

Upcoming Events

Blogging 101

Good news! For those of you sick of hearing from me I have been recruiting some guest writers for the blog.  If you are like me, then you love hearing how God has moved in other people's foster and adopt stories. I have several moms so far who I have been in contact with and I am super excited about what they have to say.

Oh wait- did I say several moms? What I meant to say was there are a ton of moms I have been talking to and they are ready to share with all of us. I mean like so many ladies that I can't even count them all. In fact everybody's doing it. Anyone who is anyone will soon be published on this little ole blog.  

Makes you want to join too right? :)

Seriously, please email me if you'd like to contribute. I, in no way, own the market on this gig. 

Also for those of you that have asked about how to leave comments on posts: I have fiddled with the settings and it should be no problem now. At the end of each post just click "comment" then type your comment in the box and scroll down to select your log in. If you don't have a blog or google/Live journal/word press account you can still comment as ANONYMOUS.  Then just hit publish. Hope that helps.

If you have a foster/adopt event you would like advertised here, please email me. There is a spirit moving here in Little Rock and I love being a part of it. I hope you do too! 

Interview with a birth mother

This post reflects the personal opinions of the author and does not indicate an official stance by any church or organization associated with adoptions in Little Rock. 

I get it. Open adoption is a taboo subject.  I know I need to tread lightly here. It may sound like I have a personal agenda and I guess I kinda do. I know it's not for every family. I know it can even be detrimental. We don't have any contact with the bio dads in our situation, only the birth mom, half-sisters and maternal grandparents.  But in those relationships I have seen the healing powers of an open adoption first hand. Many adoptive families don't consider an open adoption. And I get that. I was that way too initially. But as our foster story played out the open adoption just kinda happened. 

It's easier for us as adoptive moms to raise our kids in a vacuum and pretend that our family is all there ever was for our kids. It's easier to try and shelter them and pretend they haven't been exposed to things that conflict with our family values. But that's just pretending. It's not the truth. And I'm one of those that think the truth will set you free. 

The number one reason it works for our family is because their is a mutual respect, and even love between Isabel (the boys birth mom) and myself.  She truly has the boys best interest in mind. Also of huge note, she has never had a problem with drugs, which to me is a game changer in an open adoption.  She sees me as their real mom and "defaults to me as the expert." She holds to the things I ask her to do and not do, even the little things. For example, when she gives a gift she gets something for each of "my six" boys not just "her three." She honors the family they are in and knows their future is with us. 

It sounds ridiculous for me to say this now, but when we first got the boys I was afraid of her. I was careful to never mention what side of town we lived on, what church we attended, where I worked. I made sure not to leave prescriptions for the baby in the diaper bag that had our phone number or address written on them. I didn't even want her to know our last name. I worried that after visits she would hide in her car and spy on us in the parking lot. And guess what? She told me later that she did. That first week they were removed she also hounded the caseworker for information on us and begged him to let us call her. I think she was afraid of us too. 

The term "foster parents" means something different to all of us. We are foster parents- our friends our foster parents-  all those sweet families from our churches are foster parents. But there are also horrible foster parents. The ones you hear about in the news. People in it for the money. Just evil stuff. Can you imagine your kids being taken away and sent to live with "foster parents" when you only know those stories?

I say this to shed light on the fact that there are assumptions made on both sides of the foster/adopt coin. But today I'm speaking to the ones we adoptive moms make about the birth moms.  It can be easy for us foster/adoptive moms to see the scars in our kids lives and be angry at the ones who inflicted them.  If we are honest we have a stereotype in mind when we think of birth moms: abusive, drug-addicted, selfish, young, promiscuous, poor, irresponsible, locked-up, neglectful, or even simply just bad moms. And this is not PC, but frankly sometimes stereotypes start with a hint of truth. When I first met Isabel. she for sure fit some of the criteria in that list and that used to be all I knew about her. That's back when I was afraid, when she was was just the "the birth-mom" to me. 

You can't know the joy I have that she is so much more than that to our family now.

I asked her to answer a few questions to work towards lifting some of the stereotypes we have. She was gracious to say some sweet things about our family which probably look suspiciously planted:) These are 100% her thoughts as candid as she could be in front of strangers. If you are looking for the background post on how are relationship started go here first.

INTERVIEW WITH ISABEL:

1. What were the circumstances surrounding your children's adoption? (ex. How old were they, Did you voluntarily place them, what stage of life where you in yourself) 

My boys were ages 1, 2, and 4. I was very unstable financially and emotionally.

2. What things influenced your decision to put your children up for adoption?

When the judge gave me custody of my boys back I thought things would be back to normal but my 4 year old did not want to be with me he cried every day and misbehaved. He would tell me to take him back with mommy and daddy (his then foster parents) also my 1 year old cried and cried he was not a happy baby with me as I was a stranger to him. He had been raised in a foster home for his first year of life and I was not mommy in his eyes ... I did not know how to handle all this I tried my best to suck it up and move forward but I noticed I was becoming more and more frustrated to the point I began spanking my 4 year old and I saw my self slowly spiralling back to the person I used to be when my boys were first removed from my home . I had to think about our future, the quality of life I would give them versus what they had gotten used to the previous year with their foster family. My boys wanted to go back to their foster home so badly that I felt if that's where they are truly happy then I want them to be there.

3. Was your extended family involved in the decision?

 I have very little family in Houston and my immediate family is not very involved in my children's lives I made the decision on my own after lots of thinking mainly in what was best for the boys and not what I wanted.

4. What is your relationship like now with your children? What do you hope it will be in the future?

I get to see my boys as often as possible. (We live in different states now, so that's usually a few times a year) I feel love coming from them the two oldest receive me with love. I hope to spend much more time with them once they become of age. I dream about them coming to visit me and me cooking for them and meeting their girlfriends, being involved with my grandkids and hopefully they allow me to be in their lives. 

5. What is your relationship like with Bio dad? What is your children's relationship like with him? What do you hope for these relationships in the future?
I do not have a relationship with the fathers and neither do the boys. I honestly don't care if they ever meet their bio dad I think they might get curious about what he looks like or acts like but I don't think they will worry about him for they will grow up with an amazing father who could never be replaced. 

6. What does it feel like to carry the label "birth mom"?
I don't think too much of it for me it's all about my boys and their happiness. I'm grateful that their adoptive mother has decided to always remind them that mom loves them and mom is still mom even though they no longer live with mom and mom is no longer the boss.

7. Is there something that could have been done or some specific help you could have gotten that would have enabled you to keep your family together? What can CPS/DHS do differently to help birth families? 

Encourage family involvement order family therapy and things were family must do together to help build and strengthen the relationship

8. What was your experience like with the foster care system?
I was very cooperative and they saw that from me. I was treated kindly. I felt sympathy from my caseworkers they always worked with me throughout my case.

9. Do you think adoption was always God's plan for your children? 

I never in a million years thought this would happen for us. I am so thankfully we were lucky to have the Jones as our foster family and ultimately my kids adoptive family. My boys are truly blessed and I couldn't be happier. 

10. What does it feel like to see your children love another woman as a mother?
I don't look at it with jealousy at all. I think they are happy and to me that is what matters.

11. What are your thoughts about your children being raised in a family different from their race?
That's a beautiful thing. They are already bi-racial and now they have a little bit of everything in their history. 

12. Do you have any regrets?
My only regret is the feeling of having failed them. I regret the life Judah remembers, his nightmares, his emotional stress caused by his past.

13. What would you like adoptive moms to know about birth moms?

That we are not perfect but we are not bad people. We will always love our babies no matter how much time passes and that at the end we just want what is best for our children. We want them to be loved unconditionally and grow up knowing they didn't miss out on anything. To know they had the best they could ever have because they were adopted.

As you can tell from her answers above, Isabel is a unique, humble, and sacrificial mother. (Oh yeah and she's gorgeous. That's always the first response we hear from friends when they see her pic.)

The bottom line is that for sure she has made poor choices. But who of us hasn't? Maybe our failures didn't have the same lasting consequences as hers. She has done things in anger that changed the course of her children's life forever. And you know what? Because of the relationship we have, she has held our son in her arms and apologized and assured him he is right where he needs to be. She gave him closure and peace about what was happened in his life in a way that I, his mother, never could.

I guess ultimately what I'm trying to suggest is please be prayerful and consider an open adoption. I know the term itself "open adoption" actually sounds formal and intimidating. It really is just opening your heart to the birth family- seeing them as more than a stereotype and instead what they really are- souls that matter to God. In doing so you may find you have more in common than you ever possible.

Just look how much Isabel and I share.

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 Coming soon and upcoming guest post from a friend of mine who has done one international special needs adoption and is in the process of another. She's going to tell her story about how cocooning was a huge success for their son.

Interested in doing a guest post for the blog?? Email me!!!