This past Friday night David and Jayne Schooler spoke to a crowd of foster and adoptive parents over a yummy Mexican dinner. They have been featured in the video series we've watched and enjoyed on Tuesday nights, but I must say that I really appreciated their live in-person thoughts even more.
One comment Jayne said really stood out to me: "Conscious compassion for our adopted kids can not be sustained."
What she means is that when we hear the stories of these kids, of our kids, who come from orphanages and foster care and other hard places, our hearts can't help but break for them. There is compassion that swells in us to care for the innocent, to fight and protect. But it won't last.
It's horrible, but it's true. At least it was for us. I'm not exactly sure when the compassion that once motivated us to move mountains and add three more boys to our roll call started to fade, but it did. Somewhere between the blank disobedient stares, the undermining passive aggressive antics, the manipulative behaviors, and the sleepless nights with a newborn- I confided to my husband about one of our foster sons, "I can't stand this kid."
Geez. What kind of horrible person would say that about a child who was abused? About a child who was ripped from his home? Taken away from his mom and sisters and deposited in a strange land where the natives don't speak his language? Apparently my kind of person. I would say that. I did say that.
And we didn't even have it that bad. I've heard horror stories about wounded kids from foster care who act out their anger and abuse the only way they know how- with sexual deviance and more abuse aimed at the families trying to help them. I can't even imagine that. I can't even imagine. Our story was nothing like that. We were foster parent impostors compared to others. We were playing nerf-ball while other families were battling it out full contact style. And even for us, compassion was not enough. It stirred our hearts, but it didn't last.
It's the same thing as trying to sustain your marriage with puppy love. Those butterflies from that first kiss will not bring you through lay-offs, cancer, a sick child, or even through your first holiday with in-laws. :) Puppy love is a fleeting feeling. Cory and I have been married almost 13 years and do you know what I feel every time my husband holds my hand? Nothing. I feel nothing. But do you know what I know with unwavering certainty? That man loves me.
Puppy love is a feeling. Compassion is a feeling. It won't last.
So what's the answer then? When the feelings go away how do you make it through Thursday, and then get up to do it again Friday knowing that Saturday and Sunday are coming?
For me, there were a lot of answers. There was holy community. There was talking with mom's going through the same thing. There was increasing my knowledge about how kids use behavior as their voice. There was kit kats and m&ms. There was trial and error-ing the techniques from Karyn Purvis. There was planting my kids in front of hours of Netflix cartoons. There was dinner brought to our house. There was trading off shifts with my husband. There was leaning into God. There was free babysitting. There was reading adoption blogs. There was saying yes when friends offered to do laundry. There was ignoring what I felt and acting on what I knew:
My kids are worth it.
Keep it up Mommas. Your kids are worth it.
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Here's a few more quotes I found inspirational from the past six weeks:
"Our kids were wounded in the context of relationship and they will be healed in the context of relationship." -Jayne Schooler
"We keep going because every day that we wake up and do it again, is one more day that our kids had someone not give up on them."-Adoptive momma from the videos
Got a quote you love? Click on "comments" below and share it to inspire us all.
2 comments:
Hi Christina, I think what has helped me the very most has been the therapist who told us, "They're telling you what they can handle by their behavior." I realized, my children didn't want to behave like this. It was just the only avenue they had to communicate their pain. So, I started owning their behavior. One day, they will own their own behavior. For now, we have a foundation of safety to lay. So, if they are communicating they are not safe by their behavior, I need to problem solve (like I would with a newborn, right?). It sounds a lot like what you describe. Amazingly, after two years of trying to get it, I actually have very little negative emotion about my children's negative behaviors (and they have less of them). I just take a moment to think, "How can I help him feel safe right now so he doesn't have to act like this." I get the quote, and yet, my experience has been opposite. I have more empathy for my children the better parent I learn to be for them. Of course, it is taking a long time and I have relapses. I LOVE your post. Also, I wish I had the community you have. Sounds delightful!
Hey Alex- thanks so much for your comment and insight. I love how you phrased it "how can I help him feel safe right now so he doesn't have to act like this." I know in some of the other trainings I've been to I've heard it phrased to "celebrate your child's need" but that's a little pollyanna for me. I really love the way you word it. It's empowering and challenges my maternal instinct to rise to the occasion- because I can do that- I can make my child feel safe!!
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