Reflex parenting

We're starting kinda academic for a Monday so turn your thinking cap on for me. Before we get into what reflex parenting is, let's first define reflex.

Reflex: the consistent, automatic, and immediate action of a muscle group in response to a specific sensory stimuli. 

Still with me? Let's get even nerdier. Did you know that a reflex is not controlled by the brain? It is a reaction of the spinal cord. And trust me you want it that way. When you touch a hot stove you don't want the sensory signal taking it's sweet time to travel from your finger, up your arm, ascending the spinal cord, passing through the cerebellum, and finally up to your cortex where it could get misplaced amongst all the other to do lists your brain has going on that day- you know things like emotions, volitional movement, sensory processing or higher level thinking skills.  You just want your hand off the stove as fast as possible!

Another example of a reflex is the deep tendon patellar reflex. This is the one where you sit on the edge of table, the doctor taps your knee and your leg kicks out. In the therapy world, the fancy word for that is quadricep activation or knee extension. Typically your brain controls knee extension -when it comes to your child kicking a soccer ball, or laying on their back throwing a fit- that's knee extension. It's the exact same movement for all three but one is the result of brain activity and includes purpose and motivation while the other is a reflex with no emotion involved.

Reflexes are fast, emotionless, and always give the same response.

Now let's talk about reflex parenting. Listen, I'm all for trying to shape my kids character. I want them to be self-disciplined and self-regulated because the plan is for them to move out of the nest someday...and be in charge of their own dental hygiene amongst other things. I don't expect their future boss to see that my child gets 10 hours of sleep and stays away from dairy. And I' not gonna tell his future wife, "You have to remind him to brush his teeth. And always give him one warning to pick up his clothes before you start counting to 3 or he'll have a meltdown."

(Although I have told my oldest that when he gets married, if his wife does home haircuts she needs to call me- because there is only one way to get that front double helix cowlick of his to lay flat.)

Levi 5 years ago

Reflex parenting is not about character development. It's not for teaching hard life lessons about alcohol use, honesty, sexuality, generosity,  and compassion etc. Those are higher level skills. Reflex parenting is just for those annoying little things that all kids do. I'm talking about tattling, whining. pestering, fighting with siblings, crying and on and on. As my husband puts it: the chinese water torture part of parenting. You can't get all bent out of shape every time your child whines or tattles. Drip. Drip. Drip. Because you will make yourself looney bin crazy. They are going to do it. You just need an automatic, emotionless, and predictable response. You need a reflex; a quick phrase to handle the situation that you can say every single time without thinking about it.

Below are some reflex parenting one-liners that we have said or have picked up from other parenting friends.

Disobeying-
"Would you like a consequence or a do-over?"

Tattling- 
Mom: "Did Mommy push you?"
Child: "No, Kaden did."
Mom: "Then you should talk to Kaden about it."

Fighting over toys-
"What's more important the toy or your sister?"

Pestering-
"Not cool. Knock it off."

Whining-
"Sorry, but I can't hear you. You need to talk like a big kid so that my ears can understand you."
-or-
"Use your words."

Repetitive Whining-
"You've already told me that. Is there something else you would like to say?"

Fake crying
"Is it one of the 3 B's?  (bleeding, barfing, broken). Nope? Then come get a kiss and you'll be fine."


Disclaimer: So obviously these aren't going to work every time. Sometimes you still get burned by the stove.  But based on the research study we are doing at home with our own little focus group of children, we are seeing some good results with our reflex parenting. Hopefully you will too.
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Got any other good suggestions? Sound off in the comments. Because, seriously,  who doesn't love a good one-liner..."You're over me? When were you under me?" :)