Life Books and The Sex Talk

This past weekend we were lucky to have our adopted boys' bio mom, half-sisters, and maternal grandfather come for a visit from out of state. I say lucky because I know not every adoption triad is privy to such respectful and honest dynamics between everyone.  Please know that respectful for sure doesn't mean easy.  But it does mean worth it. It's worth it because my three youngest boys get a holistic view of who they are and where they came from, which I think is particularly important  since they don't "match" the rest of us.

A quick caution though if you decide to embark on an open adoption:  Make sure you tell your child their history first before bio family does- that way you can translate it the way you want your child to receive it. It's kinda like how you want to have the sex talk with your son before he gets the scoop from his junior high buddies. Case in point,  this past weekend I walked up on a conversation between Judah and his sister as she was saying, "Our mom went to jail because she hit you in the face with a hanger." I'm not sure if she wanted shock value or was just thinking her concrete 8 year-old thoughts out loud, but either way, he struck back with an unphased reply, "I already know about that."

I was soooo grateful he had worked through that with us first.

If you aren't able to give your kids roots through a connection with birth family there is another way to normalize their experience by creating a life book for them. A life book is simply a collection of memories and pictures that puts words to what has happened. It's a tool that can be used to help your kids understand the inevitably hard transitions they have survived, but maybe have not processed yet.

I plan on making three books eventually, one for each of our adopted boys. They were adopted as a sibling set, but adoption means something different to each of them because of how old they where when it happened. For example, Judah was the oldest and remembers the time in foster care where the others don't.  He is also the one (at least right now) who has the most struggles-  probably because he remembers more and probably because he was the one who endured the abuse which put them all in foster care. So far I have only made his book.

I wrote it as though Judah was the narrator of the story. I did this on purpose because I wanted him to embrace this story as his own. Because frankly it is his own.  It cost about $30 to make using www.snapfish.com but their are lots of other websites you can look into that do the same thing. It was super easy to upload digital pictures and add my own narrative. And thanks to his mom, his book even has a few baby pics and a pic of his birth dad whom we have no contact with.

Below are a few examples from his book so you can see how I tackled some tough topics. Of note, I did not address the abuse in the book because putting that in black and white print makes it static forever. To me, that is a fluid topic that needs to be addressed in different ways  throughout the years depending on what his questions are. And honestly he has significantly healed from that already, thanks to a beautifully hard conversation he and I had with Mom last year. Find more on that here if you are interested. If you can't tell, I'm very much a talk-about-the-elephant in the room person.

Back to the life book. This is definitely not the only way to make a book, I know there are lots of other examples on-line. I know this because I stole ideas from ones I found just like you are welcome to steal from me. :)  Just try to give your kids words for what happened to them. The goal should be to take the events of their fragmented life and make it into one seamless happy story.  I am really proud of how Judah's turned out, but not near as proud as he is!

Front Cover

Opening Narrative: "Hi! My name is Judah and I love to read books. And guess what? This book is a story all about me. Did you know that sometimes stories are sad? And sometimes stories can even be scary? But you don't have to be nervous about that. Because this isn't a sad story or a scary story. NO WAY!! This is a happy story because it's MY story. And guess what else? This is story is full of surprises. You better keep on reading so you can find out what they are."

Adoptive parents and birth parents

On this page "he" explains the first surprise- how his named was Jordan when he was baby but it changed to Judah when he got adopted. He remembers his old name because he was four years old when we changed it, so I included that in the book. "He" goes on to explain what birth parents vs adoptive parents mean and how adoptive parents are the same thing as your real parents. I tried to think of some questions he might get from friends, and give him the words to answer. 

Lots of pics

To explain why he has brown skin and Mommy, Daddy, and his older brothers have white skin, "Judah" tells how a baby's skin always matches the tummy it was growing in. Technically he is biracial (hispanic and black) and he really matches his black birth dad the most, but I wasn't ready to tackle genetics and THE REAL SEX TALK with him just yet. :)

Mixed with narrative

A very crucial part of the story happens on this page. It explains how he came to be adopted, and most importantly does so without demonizing his mom. "Judah" says: "Did you ever think about all the things you need in order to take care of a family? Some things a family needs are: a house to live in, beds to sleep in, money to buy food, toys to play with, a car to drive, and lots of LOVE. Mom had some of those things, but not all of them and that's why she wanted me to live with Mommy and Daddy. She knew they had all those things and that they could take really good care of me and my brothers. It was a very hard decision for Mom, but she says it was the right thing to do and she doesn't regret it. Sometimes there might be some sad things about adoption at first, but that's ok. When I'm sad I snuggle in Mommy's lap or talk to Daddy. They help me figure out all the sad things and tell me how much they love me. And then of course I am happy again! Because remember what I already told you...this is a happy story."

There are a few more pages of narrative specific to our situation related to moving to Arkansas and meeting the Judge. The book ends with an easy: "My name is Judah Jones and I hope you liked my happy story." The very last two pages are personal letters written to him from my husband and I. And there you have it...a life book. Was that helpful?  I hope so. Judah's book is specific enough to answer questions but general enough that I can add details as he grows. I  gave a copy to his birth Mom so that she would know the language we use with him and hopefully mimic it too. She loved it of course. 

Have you made a life book for your child? Or figured out a way to explain a tricky subject in an age appropriate way? I would love to steal some more ideas. After all, I've got two more books to make!! Sound off in the comments below.